Wednesday would be the last full day of Ayden’s life. I decided the day would be a beautiful day for Ayden—a day of joy and celebration. The tears I cried that day were both sorrow and joy. If I ran out of joy, I would remind myself how many lives Ayden will be saving and how many more will be impacted. As the sun came up, I became grateful this would not be the last sunrise Ayden and I had together. I cherished waking up with Ayden’s hand in mine. The nurses were so kind and brought me meals so I wouldn’t have to leave Ayden’s side and go to the cafeteria. I felt even closer to Ayden today. His face was peaceful and relaxed. His left thumb was still talking to me, and his hand was so warm. It was hard to believe the end was nearing. But I couldn’t think about that—I had to set it aside. I committed to being caught up in the moment and enjoying Ayden’s presence. I just stared at him, letting his face sear into my mind.
Until Wednesday, time moved slowly, but I could feel the urgency growing. Time was running short.
This was the day to build memories. The Organ Donor Network sent out someone to help me memorialize Ayden. I guess at some point I had asked to get Ayden’s handprints. So they showed up with four canvases and acrylic paint to make hand and footprints of Ayden. I instantly knew it would be four handprints. We ran through a few trial runs with printer paper and were able to get four beautiful handprints.
This is a low-resolution version, but I will be giving away reprints of Ayden’s hands. (If anyone would like one and is willing to cover the cost, just send an email to AydenGrayMatters@gmail.com, and I will get back in touch with you. Here is a service that provides professional prints, so you can estimate your costs.)
Ayden’s best friends, Alexia and Wyatt, drove through the night from Reno to see Ayden before he passed. They got a few hours of sleep at my house Tuesday night and came to visit Ayden after getting some breakfast. We all went to the room together to visit Ayden. They were both devastated. As a father, it was touching beyond words to see the depth of love they had for Ayden. They took turns with Ayden, holding his hand and talking to him. Alexia shared how special Ayden was to her and the incredible impact he had on her life. Wyatt played his guitar for Ayden and told stories of their jam sessions together.
I gave them as much time alone with Ayden as they wanted. I know that Ayden felt their presence. Alexia shared that she felt Ayden was communicating with her through his little thumb twitch. I told her that he was, that his body was reaching out to her, communicating with her. We cried together. I knew that someone else was able to share in the special bond that had been formed with Ayden’s body.
But sadly, they could only stay for one day and had to drive back through the evening and night. They must have been exhausted, but their love for Ayden was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
Towards the end of their visit, I walked them down to the car and watched their shoulders slump and their tears flow. They felt broken like me, and nothing could console them—not me, not each other, nothing…
I was astonished by the depth of love these people had for Ayden. I understood why he felt closer to his friends than his family. These beautiful souls mourned for Ayden like I mourned for Ayden—from the bottom of their hearts, with a whole heart and all their mind and body.
I truly believed that his spirit had moved on, but the life-force in his body remained, and that it longed for his spirit, and that now, I was his only comfort until the end, me and the nurses keeping his body alive. They were all so kind and understood that when I asked for privacy to prepare my son’s body, that this night would be a special night for Ayden. It was my most sacred honor and privilege. Never have I felt so blessed, to have such a beautiful soul come from me, and now I alone am tasked with with preparing his body for the afterlife.
Like a smack to the face, I realized I had less than 24 hours remaining with my son…
I asked the day nurse, Erin, about getting his body fully cleaned and prepared. Because of the blood thinners, I was not allowed to use nail clippers. That’s fine, I went across the street to Walgreens and bought some nail polish remover, some nail polish, and the best nail files they had. Then I went to Safeway and bought every beautiful flower I could find. I bought every purple carnation, pink freesia, white/pink orchid, white mum, and white/pink lily they had in the store. I also bought the most beautiful sunflower bouquet I could find, for my beautiful ‘sun flower’. Unfortunately, I couldn’t cover his hospital bed with all the flowers. The nurses had to come in every 2 hours to move Ayden from side to side, not to mention all the other medical interventions that were part of his daily routine. I put as many flowers on his body as I felt comfortable with and proceeded with the death rituals for his body.
I began with photos—photos of his hands, his tattoos, his face, his feet. His big strong muscular musician hands were a little puffy from circulation issues. It was beautiful to revisit his tattoos and reminisce about him explaining them to me, wishing I’d paid better attention. I used a medical measuring tape to measure each of his tattoos so that I (or whomever) can get exact replicas, down to the millimeter. (If you are interested in getting one of Ayden’s tattoos, please contact me at AydenGrayMatters@gmail.com.)
After the first round of photos, I started with nail polish remover to take off the chipped green nail polish on his fingers. I was surprised at how easily it came off. Then, I set about cleaning all the black acrylic paint out from under his fingernails.
This was such a beautiful experience.
The nursing staff gave me a soft toothbrush, and I started gently cleaning his fingertips. Before starting, I opened my Joe Pass channel on Pandora and thumbs-downed every non-Joe Pass song. For those that don’t know, Joe Pass was Ayden’s favorite guitarist.
I found the round tip of a credit card to be a gentle and effective way to get his fingernails clean. Between the toothbrush, a washcloth, and the credit card, it took more than an hour just to clean his fingernails. Then I gently and thoroughly cleaned his hands.
When his hands were clean, I rubbed them with lily petals to cover his hands in their sweet smell. I would rub and then breathe deep, with my face buried in the back of his hand, offering up a sweet aroma to the maker of all men—to please accept my son into the next life as a troubadour returning home to rest.
I then placed his frankincense-covered beads in the palm of each hand along with a rose, so that the afterlife would find his scent pleasing and beautiful, that he would be received into the afterlife with love, from love here on earth, and transitioned with love, care, and devotion from one life to the next.
I then set out to clean his toenails. I went through the same process, but without black acrylic paint, it went much quicker.
More to come soon…
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